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SEPTEMBER 5 Today, I was conceived….. shhhhh!!!, my parents don’t even know about this. Like a tadpole I made mum’s womb my pool. OCTOBER 25 I’m one month and twenty days old today but they still don’t know that I am here. My hands and limbs are growing; my ears are beginning to pick a distant sonorous voice. I think it belongs to my mother, as she sang, a deeper voice told me that her beautiful voice matches her angelic face… NOVEMBER 10 So much is happening in this little body of mine; lashes on my lids, curls on my head, limbs and wrists, ears and nose… But, I still can’t open my eyes. NOVEMBER 23 I wonder why mum and dad don’t talk about me. Just the other day, dad sounded very excited and shouted something like ‘goal!!!’ mum won’t even stop trying different pitches that often make my home in her vibrate. Afterwards, they  talk about everything but me, don’t they understand that I need their attention? NOVEMBER 30 I am becoming bigger but this place won’t stop expanding. I can hear mum saying her body no longer feels like her body… finally, the attention. I tickled her womb a bit this morning and she threw up, after which she decided not to attend classes for the day. DECEMBER 5 Mum throws up again today, it’s being going on for five days now. Dad comes around, and suggests mum sees a doctor, and stop self medication. I think mum should see a doctor too; I hate the fact that she is constantly weak. I also wonder why dad and mum don’t live together. DECEMBER 7 Dad takes mum to the hospital, and the doctor introduced me to them. I was shocked and excited. Shocked because both my parents never knew of my existence up until now; excited because now I know they would shower me with attention! DECEMBER 18 Back to the hospital today, the doctor placed something on mom’s womb, I think he gazed at me  through it, because he told mom and dad that I’m a girl. Now I know I will be as beautiful as mum, but I don’t think my voice will be as sonorous as hers. I can hear the doctor tell them that I am 16 weeks old and they should expect me in the next 24 weeks, I can’t wait to see them, I hope they can’t wait to see me too. JANUARY 5 Mum has been sad for days now, she sobs constantly. She keeps saying she has to go to school and wants no distraction. She keeps saying she doesn’t want ‘it’, that ‘it’ was a distraction and ‘it’ wanted to ruin her future. She says she wants to do away with the ‘it’ I wonder what the ‘it’ is, and why won’t ‘it’ leave mum alone, instead of constantly making her sad. If only I can give the ‘it’ a piece of my mind. JANUARY 12 Mum and dad had an argument today over ‘it’…   mum keeps saying she doesn’t want ‘it’, and she has no plans for ‘it’, while dad says he wants ‘it’ and would make plans for ‘it.’   Who is ‘it’, where is ‘it’?, if I know ‘it’, I will give ‘it’ a piece of my mind. JANUARY 18 Something is wrong,  white things are coming into mum’s womb. More liquid are flowing in. What is mum doing?  This is getting painful, I have started bleeding.  What is mummy doing?  Can’t she feel my pain? JANUARY 19 I think it’s the end. Mum said she does not want me… all dreams and plans forfeited… I could have become an astute writer or even something more eminent… but I can’t take this pain anymore… I give up.  My beautiful skin has become bloody…  now I proceed out of mum’s womb not as a living creature I was meant to be,  but as free-flowing blood with no essence, no future, no hope!  She has done away with me. My mother, my killer!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, If he’s always busy, The side chic is YOU…” Mogbe. I nearly died with laughter upon seeing the meme with those words. Ordinarily, it should speak to me, but that would be speaking to a girl who didn’t know she’s a side chic; wouldn’t it? Me, I know my own brand of vice; I’m well aware of my poison. Men like the guy in the quote above? SO NOT MY CUP OF TEA! And am not much given to second thoughts myself; particularly after I have decided on a course of action. I am a proud assistant girlfriend, by choice. Okay, not so much by my own intentions in the beginning; but after I discovered the goodies of being one, I am sure not going back to being miss goody two shoes. “Her days are overrrrrrrrr” (in my best imitation of Rita Ora’s “RIP”). I totally forgot to introduce myself. My name is Bimbo and I am a SIDE CHIC (insert response here) Ahn ahn, did you guys not watch oyinbo film when growing up? Search alcoholics anonymous and watch their greetings. Thank me later. Yes, that’s my relationship status; gladly too. Now, you may abhor me for being someone’s husband’s piece of tail on the side; I totally understand. However, if you have walked in my shoes, you may not be so quick to cast aspersions. But please, do your thing. I used to be a faithful, one-man woman until 4 years ago; when the love of my life ditched me during marriage preparations for another girl. I was your model, Nigerian homely raised woman; so you can imagine what that experience did to me. For all of 15 months, I could not stand the sight of men, even my dad. Then in a bid to pick up the pieces of my life while job hunting, I met Ini. Now, Ini was not the first married or single man to become interested in me; I think the timing made the difference.  I was on my way for a job interview when a car splashed water on my clothes. I just burst into tears, like everything that had happened to me prior to that time dawned on me in that instant. Think totally inconsolable, gut wrenching sobs that emanate from the belly. In Ikoyi, no less; I had just alighted from the cab in front of the interview venue when this happened. It literally seemed like my life was over; my will power was gone. Luckily, the owner of the car was a gentleman. I was in no state of mind to attend the interview anymore. He made me comfortable and watched me as I wailed like a banshee for a long while. He wasn’t condemning or condescending. After a while, he took me to get a replacement for my dress in an exclusive clothes store (so these places described in my novels existed in this Lagos?). That day began a friendship, one that changed my very existence as it were. We were friends first, then lovers; before I knew about his marital status. And while I was disappointed, I was also relieved. It meant I did not have to be in a relationship with its conventional requirements. I could sleep easy, as he would not call me wanting to pass the night with me at mine. I would not be at his beck and call 24/7, like in a normal relationship. Plus, did I mention the perks? I have never been so well taken care of. See, curse me all you want; bring out the morality brigade if you like. But you and I know that every woman deep down dreams of a man who will make her feel like a princess in every way, not just financially. And the heavy pocket is a plus, like it or yes. Afterall, on those days when it gets cold at night and I don’t have a man to hug, my silk beddings help nicely. YES, I said SILK. And the fact that I can hop on a flight and travel where I want, when I want makes up for the impromptu meetings and clandestine trysts. Shey you wey dey curse me ni, if them flex like Ini dey flex me, you go reject am ba? Yes o, you go return the millions wey dey account. Iranu. Abegi, face your front and let me go to the spa in this hotel o jare. My cookie is arriving in a few hours and I want to arrange him a special session for us both with the masseuse. I have to bring my a-game today; as that trip to Maldives I plan to embark on will not pay for itself *Reaches for waist bead pouch*   [color-box] Eky Shirley is an unrepentant Liverpool FC Lover. A girl who loves words, books, and good music. She blogs at Eky’s Corner. [/color-box] Photo Credit: Kandis Design via Compfight cc